I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
