I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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