So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
