we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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