Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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