I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
