she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Randomize
