Already got asked if we're dating
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
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