It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
