I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
