I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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