the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
