I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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