she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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