Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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