I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
