he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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