Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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