just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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