3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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