Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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