she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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