Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize