I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
