Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
