my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
