Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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