i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
