I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
