so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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