If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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