I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
