I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Randomize
