You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
