He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
