and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
two words...techno handjob
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
