He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
