if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
