took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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