I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
you would pick up someone in the library
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
