I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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