I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
your like the ambassador to my penis.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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