I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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