Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
