I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
