i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
