one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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