just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
it glows. i had to have it.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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