The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
