dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
