you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
She told me I should be a condom model.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
