it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
