New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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