what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I just found a bag of teeth...
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
