Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
