I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
