My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
