my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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