ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
