Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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