I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize