She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
