it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize