I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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