so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
